


honey, i love you (that's all she wrote)

by singsongsung



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode: s05e05 Housewarming, F/M, Marriage As An Aphrodisiac, Possessive Sex, Puns Are One of Ted's Love Languages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24998839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singsongsung/pseuds/singsongsung
Summary: Alexis’ head tilts slightly to one side, a gesture he’s come to recognize as one that denotes fondness. “I know, Ted,” she says on a soft sigh. “It’s just that I - ”Smoothing his thumb along her knuckles again, he prompts, “That you what?”Her eyes travel over his face like she’s looking for something. “That I don’t want you to kiss anybody but me.Especiallynot my brother, but… anybody.”A "Housewarming" coda.
Relationships: Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Comments: 19
Kudos: 97





	honey, i love you (that's all she wrote)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Lumineers' "Ophelia." 
> 
> I'm on tumblr at anniemurphys.

_i’m known as a right-hand slugger_  
_anybody else wanna touch my lover?_  
\- amy shark, “adore”

Ted’s alarm goes off at 11:00 a.m. He grabs his phone and silences it before he’s fully awake, and then presses his face into his pillow, muffling a groan. He doesn’t feel nauseated, thankfully, but he has a headache that feels like it’s piercing his eyeballs, and he could definitely use a whole lot more sleep and fewer cats and dogs waiting to be fixed.

“Babe,” Alexis murmurs sleepily, running a hand down his spine. One of her legs is thrown over one of his, and he realizes with a start that the foot attached to his leg is still inside a slipper.

He pushes the blankets back, kicks off the slipper, and puts a quick kiss against Alexis’ temple. “Back to sleep,” he tells her.

He fills a tall glass with water in the kitchen and chugs it on his way to the bathroom, where he locates the Aspirin in the medicine cabinet before he gets into the shower. He keeps the water fairly cold, hopeful that it will shock him into wakefulness.

When he returns to the kitchen with a towel wrapped around his waist, Alexis is there, even though she rarely gets up when he does on Saturdays. She’s made coffee - which is usually his job - and has even filled up his favourite to-go cup. Her makeup is smudged around her bleary eyes, and her silk slip peeks out from underneath one of his sweatshirts. She looks nothing short of perfect.

“You’re the best, baby,” he says as he accepts the thermos of coffee. “Where have you _bean_ all my life?”

She laughs into the kiss he gives her. “When will you be done?”

“Not until late. Are you staying here tonight?”

“Yeah,” she says, and then her eyes widen before she teases, “That would _mocha_ me happy.”

The brightness in her smile wakes him far more than the shower did.

He’s dehydrated and he’s tired, but he’s not shaky, and he gets to work on his first patient shortly after noon. Ted takes his job seriously: he works hard, and he works well, and he cares about every single animal that ends up on his exam table. Once he’s focused, his concentration doesn’t break, and he neuters and spays through the rest of the afternoon and evening.

He doesn’t finish until sometime past one o’clock in the morning, but he _does_ finish. All the males were booked in for the earlier appointments, so they’ve been sent home with donuts around their necks to keep them from licking themselves, and all the females are resting in the back in animal-sized hospital gowns that cover their incisions. Julie, the vet tech who always assists with Neuterpalooza, is going to spend the night in the clinic in case any complications arise.

Before he leaves, he makes sure Julie has everything she needs and gives Coco, his most nervous client, a few extra neck scritches as she eyes him warily. “Thank you fur being such a brave girl today,” he tells her, smiling when she tentatively rubs the corner of her mouth over his finger.

He makes his way out of the clinic and into the part of the house that he actually calls home, trekking up the stairs. He eats a protein bar in four bites and takes his second quick shower of the day, this one much warmer and significantly more relaxing. He leaves his scrubs in a pile on the bathroom floor, too tired to bother with picking them up and carrying them to the hamper, and hangs up his towel.

As he steps into the hall, he notices a sliver of light under the bedroom door, which surprises him. He wonders if Alexis fell asleep with a lamp on, but no - when he opens the door, he finds her awake, sitting up in bed and wearing a t-shirt he received from a 10k he ran a couple years ago, his copy of _The White Bone_ open across her lap.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she echoes. Her eyes rake down his naked body, her teeth sinking briefly into her lower lip. He finds a pair of boxers in his dresser and tugs them on.

“Why are you still awake?” he asks as he moves toward the bed, pulling back the blankets on what’s turned into ‘his’ side.

“I just… ” Alexis toys with the edge of a page. She looks uncharacteristically nervous, like she did on the day she stepped into his office and turned his world upside down with three simple words and eyes that managed, bravely, to meet his. “I didn’t totally, like, _love_ how we left things. Yesterday. And there wasn’t really time to talk this morning, because you had to go… ” She makes a series of indecipherable movements with her hands that he assumes are meant to represent neutering.

Ted settles into bed next to her and runs his fingers down her forearm until their hands meet and he can rub his thumb over her knuckles. “I’m sorry about kissing your brother, sweetie. I had those coolers and then all those Jell-o shots, and I didn’t know it wasn’t okay. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known.” He offers her a smile. “I don’t plan on doing it again.”

He gets a little smile in response to that, and Alexis’ head tilts slightly to one side, a gesture he’s come to recognize as one that denotes fondness. “I know, Ted,” she says on a soft sigh. “It’s just that I - ”

Smoothing his thumb along her knuckles again, he prompts, “That you what?” 

Her eyes travel over his face like she’s looking for something. “That I don’t want you to kiss anybody but me. _Especially_ not my brother, but… anybody.”

He lets out a breath, nearly laughing; what she’s asking him might just be the simplest request in the world to grant. “That works for me, baby.”

Alexis closes the book and sets it aside. She pulls her knees close to her chest beneath the comforter, the arm unattached to the hand that’s holding his wrapping around her legs. She looks vulnerable, her face stripped of makeup and her heart raw and opened up, just for him.

“Forever,” she says, even softer than a whisper.

He can feel his eyes widen slightly, and she must see it, because she pulls her knees in even tighter to her body. “Forever…?” he repeats, the end of the word creeping upward questioningly.

She nods, several small, quick downward jerks of her chin, her eyelashes fluttering rapidly, her fingers curling around his.

Ted leans in and cups her cheek as he kisses her, slow and deep, coaxing her mouth open with his own. When they pull apart, he rests his forehead against hers and reiterates, “That works for me.”

A smile flickers over Alexis’ mouth, lights up her eyes, but she still puts a few more inches of space between their faces as she asks, “Does it? Because I know… you wanted that. Before. And I messed everything up between us. So if you didn’t want that anymore…” She swallows, eyes darting away from his face, her wrist flicking. “I’d totally get that.”

“Fuck, Lex,” he breathes, thumb stroking over her cheek, her soft skin, the corner of her mouth. “I want it,” he says, and means it with everything in him. “I want you.”

His words settle between them as Alexis nods again, more slowly this time. She gives him that seductive look of hers, the one he’s powerless against, her lashes hiding her eyes for a beat as she looks down before she locks her gaze onto his again.

“So take me,” she says, her voice low, “show me,” and Ted doesn’t need to be asked twice, slipping his arm behind her back to tug her lower on the mattress, pushing the comforter aside so roughly it slides all the way off the bed, and shifting to stretch his body out on top of hers, relishing her quiet gasp when he fits himself between her legs, pressing his half-hard cock against her.

“ _Yes_ , Ted,” she breathes, one hand pressing into his back while the fingers of the other card through his damp hair. He makes a noise of agreement as he kisses her neck, bites lightly at her skin. She smells like his body wash, even though she keeps a bottle of her own in his shower, and something deep inside of him growls _mine_.

He brushes a kiss against her mouth before he shifts downward, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of her panties and pulling them down her legs in one smooth motion. He licks a stripe up her before he’s even fully settled between her thighs and revels in the sound of the “ _Oh,_ ” she breathes as her fingers scramble along the fitted sheet, seeking purchase. He moves one of her hands into his hair and her hips press up against his mouth.

He spreads her open and uses the very tip of his tongue to circle her clit. A soft little _yeah_ leaves her mouth on a whimper, and he loves her, he loves her so fucking much. Alexis is almost never quiet, she hates to leave a silence unfilled, and he’s become pretty fluent in the meanings of her _mm_ s and _hmph_ s and sighs and laughs, but above all else he loves the sounds she makes in bed, the sounds that are just for this, just for him, the sounds only he gets to hear, only he gets to have. He caresses her thigh gently, a wordless promise: _I’m going to take care of you._

Alexis rolls her hips against his face and he takes her cue, fucks her briefly with his tongue, laps at her as she starts to make high, needy noises, her nails scratching at his scalp. He makes her wait a few more seconds, tracing teasing patterns with his tongue, before he gives her what she wants, stroking his tongue over her clit, slowly at first, building up speed. He knows her tells now, knows that when she says his name on a sharp inhale, she’s right there, and he hums lightly as he takes her over the edge, riding out her orgasm with her until she’s tugging at his hair.

He kisses up her body, over her hipbones and her stomach, pushing the t-shirt she’s still wearing up as he goes. He closes his lips around her nipple over the material of the shirt, his wet mouth rough against the fabric, and is rewarded with the sound of Alexis’ breath catching in her throat, her hands grasping at him and her hips canting up until he can feel her, slick and hot, through his boxers, against his straining erection.

“Fuck me,” she says, pushing his boxers off his hips and getting them the rest of the way off using only her toes. She slips a hand between them and strokes him as she lines them up, impatient; there’s no cause for delay, not with two clear panels from the sexual health clinic in Elm Valley and her IUD, and Ted wants her so badly that he doesn’t have it in him to tease her again by biding his time. He hooks a hand beneath one of her knees and enters her, probably more slowly than she’d like him to, but she feels so _good_ he needs a minute to catch his breath, to press his face into her shoulder and groan.

“Babe,” she murmurs, her hands stroking over his back. The heat of her breath and the way her lips brush his ear nearly undo him.

“So good, Lex,” he grits out. “You feel so good, you’re so wet for me - ”

“Yes,” she breathes, tongue darting out to trace the shell of his ear. “For you,” she agrees, almost fiercely, “Ted, for _you_ , I’m yours. I’m yours.”

“You’re mine,” he agrees, letting his hands and his forearms, on either side of her head, take some of his weight as he moves his hips, setting a rhythm. “You’re mine, baby.”

“Yes,” Alexis says again; the word stutters across her lips when he thrusts into her, and Ted finds himself moaning, “Lex, Lex, fuck - ”

“Yours, babe,” she murmurs. Her fingers brush his cheek to get his attention, and her eyes meet his, encouraging.

“You’re mine,” he repeats, watching the way her lips part and her eyes flutter closed briefly in pleasure. “You’re mine, baby, I’m gonna make you my wife - ”

“Fuck, _yes_ , Ted,” she mewls. “Yes.”

“I’m gonna marry you, Alexis, I’m gonna fucking marry you.” He squeezes her hip, his fingers pressing hard, possessively, into her skin. “Gonna fuck you in your wedding dress, I’m gonna fuck you so good, make you come so hard, better than anyone else - ”

High-pitched and keening and desperate, she gasps, “Yes, yes, _yes_.”

“You’re mine, all of you.” He snaps his hips against hers and slides his hand beneath her shirt to grope one of her breasts; she arches up into his touch. “No one else can touch you,” he tells her gruffly, and she whimpers as she nods, her fingers curling around his bicep, tight enough to bruise. He knows Alexis likes him like this, likes him rough and selfish, and he’s discovered that he likes it too, to give her that part of himself, to savour the way she receives it.

She rakes her nails down his neck and across his back before she manages to say, breathlessly, “Yours, yeah - ”

“You’re gonna come for me,” Ted says. He pushes one of her legs up, bent at the knee, and rests her calf against his shoulder, shifting angles so that he can fuck her harder, deeper. Her head tips back, pressing into the pillow as she moans, and he takes the opportunity to run his teeth along the column of her neck. “For me, Lex,” he pants. “No one else.”

Alexis is breathing hard, too; her words are punctured with gasps as she promises him, “For you. Ted, for you, _please_ , just you - ”

He covers her mouth with his own and swallows her gorgeous, greedy sounds. His lips linger against hers as he says, “For your husband, Lex. Say it.”

Her eyes meet his, heady and ardent. “For my husband,” she says quietly. “For my husband, Ted, for you, god, I’m so - ”

“I know,” he murmurs, his nose nudging against her cheek as he moves a hand between their bodies to rub circles against her clit. The second she starts to tremble, coming apart, he’s gone too, his orgasm rushing through him.

They kiss lazily for a moment, Alexis’ hands soft and tender against his cheeks, before he gently lowers her leg back to the mattress and pulls out, collapsing onto the bed next to her and listening to her try to catch her breath as he slowly catches his.

She turns her head to look at him, and says, simply, candidly, “I love you.”

Ted smiles at her, all beautiful eyes and mussed-up hair and flushed cheeks. “I know,” he says.

Alexis laughs, giving her eyes a roll as she swats at his chest with the back of one hand. She plucks a robe up off the floor and wraps herself up in it as she stands. She starts to move toward the doorway, but Ted catches her wrist and tugs her close, sitting up so that he can capture her mouth with his own in a kiss. He knows and he _has_ known, since the very beginning - somehow - that she’s the woman he’s going to marry.

“I love you, too,” he says, and watches the easy emergence of her sweet smile.

On the second connecting flight of his return trip to Ecuador, Ted stares at the back of the seat in front of him and tries his hardest not to cry. He feels profoundly exhausted, like he just ran one thousand miles and left his heart somewhere on the trail, where it’s being continuously trampled. He wants to sleep, but every time he closes his eyes he feels the brush of a curl of hair against his cheek, the press of lips against his hand.

 _The White Bone_ sits in his lap, one finger crooked between the pages, holding his spot at page thirty-seven, where, around the page number, Alexis once doodled a single, looping heart.

fin.


End file.
